


Erase My Skin

by cupcake12578



Category: Eyewitness
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, M/M, Philkas Week, Self Harm, Soulmates, but it keeps getting longer and sadder, idk yet, just be safe if this is triggering for you plz, kind of?, philip's life is v sad, this might have a happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-14 12:44:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9182356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupcake12578/pseuds/cupcake12578
Summary: Sometimes even soulmates aren't meant to be.Philkas week day 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is for Philkas week! Please proceed with caution as this does contain self harm but not in the traditional sense. There's no good way to explain what I mean without spoiling the story so please use our own judgement in regards to whether this could be triggering for you.

Philip hears about the party through the ever present grapevine at Red Hook high school. He figures Lukas will be there with Rose, and he tells himself not to go, to stay away from that toxic boy. 

 

Lukas is all push and pull. Pulling him close when he needs Philip and pushing him away when he feels better, only for the cycle to start all over again the next time they're together. Philip hates it, but he also doesn't mind.

 

…

 

Philip lies in his bed at home and swears he can hear the music from the party in his mind even though the party rages miles away. Mostly, he thinks about Lukas and how he probably has an arm draped around Rose and a beer in his hand, and that's how Philip ends up halfway to the party before he even realizes it.

 

He's on his bike and the air bites at his face as he pedals. Philip can see his breath as he pulls up in front of the house, rager now in full force. His feet stutter beneath him almost as if telling him to turn around, but instead he props his bike against the mailbox and nervously makes his way inside trying not to look too obvious as he searches for Lukas.

 

The living room overflows with teens all in different stages of inebriation, and Lukas is sitting on the right side of the couch with Rose perched on his lap, an arm around his shoulders and her fingers playing with his hair. Four of his friends are sitting around them laughing and drinking, and as Rose presses a kiss to his lips Philip can't hold himself back any longer. He heads to the couch with long strides, not sure what the hell he’s going to do when he gets there.

 

He reaches the couch way too fast and before he can process what would count as a rational reaction, his hand makes his way to Lukas’ collar and pulls him to his feet, knocking Rose aside in the process.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” 

 

Philip is yelling and he can't stop himself when his father eyes start blurring from the tears in them. Lukas pushes him away.

 

“Get away from me, you freak!”

 

He pushes Lukas back onto the couch and then his friends rise up as if to defend him from Philip, as though Lukas couldn't absolutely destroy him with words alone. Sensing the impending danger of the situation, Philip calms, his hands out in front of him, palms up, as he backs away. He's almost to the door when he turns on his heels and runs out into the night. 

 

...

 

Lukas’ friends chase him for awhile, he can hear them yelling at him as he runs and runs and runs. He hits the forest and they slowly fade behind him because no one around here is stupid enough to actually go into the forest at night. Philip's pace slows to a walk and he's gasping for breath so he leans against a tree before sinking to the ground. 

 

The sleeve of his shirt bunches up as Philip messes with it, exposing that little patch of black ink in the shape of a small flower that's been imprinted on his wrist for as long as he can remember. He wasn't stupid, he'd caught glimpses of the one on Lukas’ shoulder that matched his just perfectly, but Lukas never would admit it. Furthermore, Philip knew if he ever asked Lukas would insist that flower stood for Rose, his soulmate.

 

Philip knew the truth, and he let Lukas keep it a secret because who does that to their soulmate? All the lying, all the secrets, all the shame. Nausea came through Philip in waves without the help of any alcohol for once. Tears began leaking from his eyes and he's just had enough of all this. 

 

So like any rational person who has a soulmate that hates them, Philip pulls out the little pocket knife Helen and Gabe gave him and mutilates the little flower that's supposed to tell him he's loved.

 

…  
Eventually Philip heads home, the flower is gone and the love he thought he had for Lukas. When he starts walking up the drive to Helen and Gabe’s, he sees Lukas’ bike propped against the wood of the front porch. He debates turning around, Lukas is likely here only to spread more lies and break the trust between him and his foster parents, maybe tell them Philip was drinking at the party or getting into more fights. But he doesn't turn around, and instead he marches through the door and toward his room despite the protests of the three sitting around the kitchen table. 

 

He's halfway up the stairs when Lukas grabs him and pulls him to him, Philip hisses when his long fingers clench around what was once a signal of their destiny. He watches as Lukas hunches his brows together before pulling his hand up.

 

“Did you get hurt?”

 

Before Lukas can see what he's done Philip slips from his grip and bounds to his room, locking the door despite protests from outside.

 

…

 

Philip ignores all the texts and calls that come, and when he gets to school he ignores the glances, which unsurprisingly isn't hard when he knows there's no way Lukas will approach him. He doesn't care in public, he reminds himself.

 

He eats lunch in an empty hall because he can't stand to look at Lukas anymore, not when he's surrounded by Rose and those people he calls his friends at least. He's nibbling at a carrot, not all that hungry in the quiet hallway. He finishes the carrot and brings his head into the folded arms resting on top of his knees. The hall is quiet, minus the occasional tapping of shoes in the linoleum. He's alone.

 

So Philip doesn't expect to be pulled from his spot on the floor so suddenly, and instinctively pushes against whoever has him; he's not interested in being harassed right now.

 

Before he can think to protest further he's pushed into the nearest janitor closet. He recognizes that Lukas is the one who pulled him in here and he reaches for the doorknob to leave. Lukas pulls the drawstring light, illuminating the small space.

 

“Philip, wait! Please?”

 

And Philip hesitates long enough for Lukas to take that as a yes and pull him against him. He doesn't hug back, simply lets himself be embraced by this boy in front of him. 

 

Philip feels the fear in his chest when Lukas pulls up his hand again, pulling the sleeve back and seeing the skin that's been scratched and carved away. For a second Philip almost regrets what he's done, but then Lukas leaves, and if Philip needs confirmation that they would be better off apart, this is it. Lukas always leaves him, and Philip knows he must be a mistake in the system that promises to bring people together to find the love they need.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philip and Lukas fall apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wasn't originally planning on a part 2 but I have some great ideas to keep this going and you can for sure expect a part 3 in the future (probably a fourth too).

Philip doesn't bother staying at school the rest of the day. His heart weighs too heavily on him and slows the pace of his walk back to Helen and Gabe’s. He travels along the shoulder of the road kicking at a rock over and over again. At least the rock stays with him, but he misses on the next kick, and it leaves a sour feeling in his stomach. 

 

When he hears the roar of the bike behind him his feet quicken beneath him, deciding to run for him. He just wants to be away from Lukas and go back to the city with Anne and the yellow couch out on the stoop. That life he so desperately needed to escape calls to him now, a comforting state of pain and being just barely okay. Lukas pulls up beside him and his mouth is moving but Philip doesn't hear a word of it, just keeps walking with his head down and his leather jacket acting as a barrier, allowing the purr of the bike to drown out the world. Philip thinks he'll leave if he just keeps his head down and his walls up, everyone else does.

 

Philip registers the crash of the bike when it falls behind him and Lukas is in front of him, blocking his path. 

 

“Would you just listen to me?”

 

He wants to beg him to stop talking and just get back on his bike and ride away from him. His feet stop, but his head stays down turned and panic licks at his chest and threatens to explode through his whole body. To consume him.

 

“I-I just can't Lukas.”

 

It's barely a whisper of words but Lukas hears it, Lukas hears everything, even the words he didn't say. I'm scared. I can't love you. What's wrong with me?

 

Philip wants him to say that it's him and not Rose, that it never was her. Lukas stays quiet though, he doesn't say those words Philip aches for. 

 

“You know I like you.”

 

Those words don't mean enough to Philip to make him stay. His hand absentmindedly finds its way to his sleeve again, fidgeting with the bumpy scabs that formed through the night. He feels Lukas’ eyes attach to the skin, sees the pain in his eyes when he dares to look him in the face. It's not enough. 

 

“I know.”

 

Philip slides past Lukas and keeps walking. Keeps going like he always has. Lukas stays with him though, picks up his bike and walks with it beside him. 

 

“At least let me ride you home?”

 

Philip knows he shouldn't, but he says yes and climbs on the back of the bike anyway. The familiarity of his thighs wrapped around Lukas and his hands around his waist is enough for Philip to pretend that everything is okay. 

 

…

 

Lukas doesn't leave when they get to Helen and Gabe’s, instead he follows Philip inside and sits on the bed with Philip curled away from him. The foot of space between them forms a lump in the back of Lukas’ throat, screaming at him to fix things with his soulmate.

 

Philip doesn't sleep, hasn't slept since the party the day before and isn't sure he ever will again. He plays the scene of Rose and Lukas together over and over again in his mind. 

 

“I want you to leave.”

 

Lukas expects this, expected it sooner than it came out really, and he doesn't argue because how will he ever fix the mess he's made. Breaking Philip was easy, and he's left with pieces that don't quite fit together the way they did before. 

 

“No.”

 

Philip doesn't make him leave, doesn't stop him when Lukas curls his body around his own. He lets himself be held and comforted for once. Lukas can feel Philip shaking under him, hears the way his breaths quicken, and his muscles clench together. He rolls Philip so their faces touch, breathing forehead to forehead.

 

“I know about your mark, Lukas.”

 

Lukas knows this, he kept it hidden but revealed it all at the same time, hoping Philip wouldn't know, but also praying he would. He remembers when Philip first showed him the little flower, how Lukas felt his breath catch in his lungs and words spilled out of his mouth before he could stop them. Rose is my soulmate, he'd told him. Not you.

 

And Philip already knew what they were, he must have. The cabin, the lake, and all those times in between. Philip knew all along, and Lukas destroyed him, destroyed them both.

 

“I know.”

 

And Philip feels the lies roll off his tongue with the natural flow they always have.

 

“It doesn't change anything Lukas. Maybe we're destined to be this thing, but you have to want it. I have to want it. Right now, I don't want it.”

 

Lukas believes him. 

 

“Tell me again. Tell me to leave and I will.”

 

“Leave.”

 

Lukas leaves Philip there in his room, alone with the silent promise of time. Just how much, Lukas doesn't know but he decides he'll be there if Philip ever changes his mind.

 

…

 

Philip doesn't so much as glance at him in school. It's as though Lukas is painted into the background around him, camouflaged into the locker he stands at. Trying to talk to him isn't an option, too many eyes and ears. Days pass without a single glance wandering his way until one day Philip disappears. He vanishes like the tattoo of the flower on his wrist, abruptly and painfully. Lukas wants to ride to Helen and Gabe’s and ask where Philip went, but he doesn't. He goes to school, trains on his bike like he always does, and Philip vanishes into the gusts of wind that blanket Tivoli the next day.

 

…

 

No one notices the boy with the jacket that's missing from school. It's not a big deal that the new kid vanished overnight. Lukas asks Rose for gossip but she shrugs, and he doesn't press for more. Philip's name isn't so much as whispered through the busy halls of Red Hook high school, and Lukas knows who's fault it is. 

 

…

 

It's a week after Philip leaves that Lukas breaks up with Rose. He says the flower isn't for her and that he doesn't know who it is for. Another lie. She nods because she knows just as well as he does that the almost similar flower she bears has no connection to him. 

 

He feels eyes on him wherever he goes, whispers haunt him even after he sleeps. Moments like these tell him he was right about Philip, no one would have understood.

 

…

 

He first saw Philip at the gas station across from the school, messenger bag slung over his shoulder and a touch of a tan kissed across his cheeks. Suddenly he felt the earth stand still, as if to tell him that right in front of him was something amazing. The earth of course was right. Philip was amazing. 

 

Lukas’ hands twisted in front of him, nervousness gnawing at him when he asked Philip about himself. Somehow he ended up asking him to shoot some footage for him. Philip agreed, and the next day Lukas shivers at the feeling of Philip clenching his thighs around him. 

 

He'd rode them around for hours, stopping occasionally for Philip to film, and then went to the cabin. Philip had been so quick to show him his mark, to tell him he hadn't found his match yet, and that he didn't know if his match would complete his own mark or be an unmistakable replica of his own. Lukas had looked down in horror, knowing the latter was true. 

 

Then there were the murders. The gunshots and dead bodies. All the blood. The start of all the lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Follow me on tumblr at gayphilkasis


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He does the paperwork for it, takes the guy’s money, and he almost asks if his soulmate hates him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I have a lot of explaining to do because I am changing everything. To clarify:  
> Anne gets out of rehab so Philip moves back to the city  
> Ryan Kane does kill Tommy and Tracy   
> Lukas is still closeted because he and Philip never had to tell the truth  
> Helen was still investigating and just got lucky when catching Ryan  
> Anne Shea therefore is still alive  
> Hopefully that clears some things up?

Philip goes home. Home to his mother and the ratty yellow couch he never stopped dreaming of. Anne gets out of rehab just a few months after she goes in, ever the master of disguise and deception. It's a week and a day before Philip finds her using again, sprawled across the bathroom floor pale and clammy.

He thinks about texting Lukas, Gabe, or even Helen, but his fingers falter over the numbers and so he never calls or texts. Gabe and Helen call him, but he doesn't answer because what is he supposed to say? My mother came home high again, please don't take me away. Please take me away. No. He can't. Anne needs him, and he needs to be okay with her and the yellow couch.

He sits on the couch out on the stoop a lot, traces the seams of it with his finger tips, memorizing the fabric beneath them. He takes comfort in moments alone as his life continues to spiral. Sleep evades him even in the bustle of the city, the noise all at once too much and not enough to keep his mind a blank canvas when he slips beneath the thin blanket that covers his mattress. He lives in the state of being just barely okay like he always has.

Philip stops taking photos. Not because he wants to, but between the job at the convenience store he begged for and school there simply isn't any time. He pays the rent just barely, grateful their utilities are included so he doesn't have to scrounge up extra money to keep the water on and the half dead light bulbs flickering. Everyday is the same, Philip feels alone again.

Anne tries. Maybe she doesn't. Either way, Philip keeps her fed with a roof over their head, even if he does have to set out a pail or two when it rains. It's easy to forget the murders in the city. Easy to forget him.

…

Lukas rides for miles and hours, desperate to escape the guilt that claws at him, the memories that haunt him. Visions of Philip dance through his mind, and he still doesn't know where he is, where he went. It's been a week and no one so much as whispers his name anymore but Lukas thinks his name to himself like it’s the only word he’s ever known. Philip.

It's the end of the second week when Sheriff Torrance shows up on the doorstep. She asks him if he knows anything about Philip, how he's doing, if they talk. She knows they were just barely friends, knows how he treated Philip. How he hit him and pushed him away time after time. He sees the desperation in her eyes when she says they can't get in contact with him since he went home to Anne, and she doesn’t know who else to go to. Lukas feels the guilt swallow him again, says something about how they were never close and don't talk. She leaves with a look in her eye that makes Lukas wonder if she knows that they’re soulmates. Lukas doesn't let himself feel anything.

Long after Sheriff Torrance has left Lukas stares at the door, phone in hand. An untyped message sits in his head like a threat, are you ok? He doesn't send a message, and he never receives one.

…

The entire time Philip was in the care of Helen and Gabe, Helen never once felt like a mother. Now though, she can’t help but gnaw at the nail of her pointer finger on her right hand. Philip doesn’t answer, doesn’t call, doesn’t text. She had tried once before to locate him, drove into the city to the apartment he and Anne shared, but the shades were drawn tightly and the door was locked. The apartment had been shrouded in silence even after she knocked and waited for over an hour on that musty couch for a sign of life. She didn’t get one and so one carefully worded phone call to social services later, Helen was promised an answer.

They returned her call the next day, saying there were no grounds for them to be intrusive, had received no evidence that Philip might be in danger, and that he was going to school. Helen let it rest at the time, it had only been two weeks. But today she couldn’t pass the feeling of desperation and guilt that flooded through her like a tidal wave. Mother’s don’t abandon their children. Helen reminds herself she isn’t Philip’s mother. It’s been a month though, and Helen can’t stop herself any longer.

She drives into the city after closing up the sheriff’s office, tells Gabe she has a meeting to tie up some final loose ends with the whole fiasco that was Ryan Kane. Helen isn’t sure why she lies, Gabe struggles more than her with the loss of Philip and his complete radio silence. Maybe she doesn’t want him to be hurt if she finds something horrible. It’s just after eight when she pulls up to the tiny apartment. No lights are on, curtains still drawn, and the door still locked. Helen sits on the couch determined, and falls asleep somewhere around one in the morning.

She wakes up to a hand on her shoulder, shaking her gently and her eyes widen taking in the sight of the boy she almost called her son a month ago. Philip looks tired, but he’s okay and reliefs floods through her.

“What ‘re you doing here?”

Philip’s words are rushed and whispered.

“Gabe was worried.”

She hopes he hears what she doesn’t know how to say. We were worried.

“I’m okay. You can go home.”

“Philip, you can always call us, you know that right? We want to stay in touch with you.”

She watches Philip nod his head, can see the exhaustion in his features.

“You look tired, I’ll head home, just keep in touch, okay?”

Their meeting is brief, and Philip makes sure he doesn’t see Helen again. 

...

It's a month before Lukas gathers the courage to call Philip. He wants to tell him what's happened, how Ryan Kane was caught. How Helen had spotted him on some surveillance footage somehow, and he hadn't had to confess. His fingers dial the number of their own accord, and he wants to vomit when he hears the recording telling him the number has been disconnected. He deletes the contact saved as Philip from his phone.

…

Philip doesn't graduate. He's too far behind after switching schools twice in his senior year so he drops out. Less school means longer hours at the convenience shop, and he can bring home more money. Anne uses it to buy more drugs. The cycle continues.

It's always dark out when he leaves work, and he hates the half mile walk back to his mother. Philip gets jumped one night, a knife pressed to his side and demands whispered into his ears. A week's worth of wages are grabbed by strangers who can't possibly know that means he doesn't eat for the next week. Philip doesn't let himself cry. 

…

Time passes strangely for Lukas. One moment he's beside Philip, and then he's graduating. He moves into the city. Everyday he tells himself it's for motocross and sponsor opportunities but he knows he just wants to catch a glimpse of Philip. 

The apartment Lukas moves into is okay at best. The place smells like mold, and he doesn’t dare leave the house after dark without a knife tucked in his pocket. He searches for job after job until one day he finds an unpaid internship at a tattoo parlor that promises a paid position in a few months. Surprising himself, he takes the job and spends his days checking in clients and booking appointments, sifting through endless paperwork.

He watches a lot of ink get poked into skin, a lot of ink pressed around the tattoos that represent soulmates. Tears nip at his eyes the first time he sees someone get a tattoo, which so obviously was a soulmate mark, covered up. He does the paperwork for it, takes the guy’s money, and he almost asks if his soulmate hates him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I'm ruining Philip's life but things will get better eventually. I have it well planned out. Also the next chapter is pretty much written already and this keeps getting longer than intended but oh well.   
> Find me on tumblr at gayphilkasis  
> Leave a comment or kudos if you want!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I am in Tumblr as gayphilkasis so come follow!  
> Leave a comment or kudos if you want!


End file.
